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gurr [Nov. 7th, 2007|05:12 pm]
[Current Mood |distresseddistressed]

i want my risperdal.... i want to have my fuckin risperdal. i dont know what to do. im sick of my sickness. i wish i had a friend to talk to. i was doing so well. a new perscription a new addiction. i feel dead.  

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(no subject) [Nov. 6th, 2007|07:00 pm]
 well, i ended up taking a lexapro.damn.i wish i had someone to talk to
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addicted [Nov. 6th, 2007|02:29 pm]
[Current Location |at home w/ yang]
[Current Mood |crappycrappy]
[Current Music |portishead- over (live)]

 yesterday my dr. took me off of my risperdal. i feel like im craving it. like im addicted to it. i feel like im missing it. so i took a klonopin. this just feels weird. so i tried calling my mom and dad to talk about it ... 4 phone numbers and still no reply. i havent done my mood journal in a long time because i was feeling so damn good. now i need to write down how im feeling. shaky sick nervous. i wish i had some one to talk to right now.
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(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2007|06:55 pm]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]

 im at work and i am tired. i called my friend the other day and she said shes been mad at me for moving back to kissimmee. so thats why she hasn't called. all i know is im happy to be in kissimmee.  and yes i finally got a job. i love it.  thats about it.
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2007|03:57 pm]
[Current Location |home with yang]
[Current Mood |draineddrained]
[Current Music |300 M.P.H. Torrential Outpour Blues by-the white stripes]

 just sittin at home. ive been sick with a cold for the last few days. 

i got a job at a liquor store. i love my new job! its fun! but today the manager called and asked me to come into a different store today. but i dont want to work at a different store. i wanted to work at the store they started me out at. i dont want to have to travel to a different store. so they told me they dont need me today. that sux. i was really excited about work today too. ugg!

john should be home soon! 

nothing really going on. 

on friday my mom wants me to drive my car up to longwood to get a new engine. my car is falling apart. but id hate for my parents to put money into that car. i dont think its gonna last much longer. the oil looks like muck-y-muck. i mean like mud. and there is lard like shit in the engine. and it takes work to get it started. but when have i not had car problems. i feel like crap in that car. its irratating.

my grandma deen's birthday was yesterday. she turned 80. i made her a really cool card and i still havent sent it out. i need to do that... better late then never.

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my results [Sep. 26th, 2007|09:07 pm]
[Current Location |at home with john and yang]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]
[Current Music |the silence screams within my inner ear]

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Theravada Buddhism (99%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (92%)
4. Mahayana Buddhism (89%)
5. New Age (85%)
6. Liberal Quakers (84%)
7. Secular Humanism (73%)
8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (69%)
9. Reform Judaism (62%)
10. Jainism (61%)
11. Taoism (59%)
12. Orthodox Quaker (51%)
13. Sikhism (50%)
14. Hinduism (48%)
15. Nontheist (43%)
16. New Thought (41%)
17. Bahá'í Faith (39%)
18. Scientology (34%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (34%)
20. Orthodox Judaism (34%)
21. Seventh Day Adventist (29%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (27%)
23. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (24%)
24. Islam (23%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (19%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (17%)
27. Roman Catholic (17%)
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wilkys answer [Sep. 26th, 2007|08:52 pm]
1. Theravada Buddhism (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (99%)
3. Neo-Pagan (96%)
4. Mahayana Buddhism (94%)
5. New Age (93%)
6. Liberal Quakers (75%)
7. Secular Humanism (73%)
8. Hinduism (69%)
9. Taoism (65%)
10. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (63%)
11. New Thought (62%)
12. Scientology (60%)
13. Jainism (60%)
14. Sikhism (57%)
15. Reform Judaism (52%)
16. Orthodox Quaker (44%)
17. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (42%)
18. Nontheist (42%)
19. Bahá'í Faith (31%)
20. Orthodox Judaism (29%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (24%)
22. Seventh Day Adventist (21%)
23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (18%)
24. Eastern Orthodox (16%)
25. Islam (16%)
26. Roman Catholic (16%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (14%)
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too much to complain about [Sep. 17th, 2007|12:37 pm]
[Current Location |at my moms]
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |no music...AHHHHH!]

 well, ive been going through alot lately. moved from kissimmee to longwood. yes, back to my parents house... contacted my old friends on my space. never heard back from them. went into the hospital. got out... finding an appartment  / condo.  no luck. shit sux. saw john last night. i miss him. i love him. im in love with him. i really regret taking off to longwood. i cant believe my self. thats bad when you cant even believe your self. pretty shitty. woof, bang, poop, crap.... ahhhhhhhhhhhh! why do i do the things that i do. i do what i do, i hate what i do, blah... so i told my mom i love john and i wanna go home.... back to my old house with john. so she thretened me by saying "this is your last chance" ok and the problem is the words she was using was stupid and manipulative.  things like "your going to need knee surgery... you should stay here." ok and i have john to help me through it... if that is even needed. i dont think i will be needing surgery any time soon. blah poop stink tacky raaarrr! i dont know wat to do. cant get my eyes off of you. you feel like heaven to touch. i love you sooo much. i just dont know wat to do with my self... i want to go home. i dont want to be here any more. i cant be here any more. shitty shitty fuck fuck.   
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damn it [Aug. 28th, 2007|06:36 pm]
[Current Location |home in kissimmee]
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]
[Current Music |slur by coil ... on pandora radio]

i cant believe my mom hasnt called?? i had a very rough night. anxiety, worry, panic, mind racing, delusions... called my dad at 5 am. he had no suggestions except to have an ice coffee. ice coffee? thats the wost advice you can give to someone who hasnt slept all night because of their panic disorder. mom woke up at 7 and its been 12 hours that shees been up. you mean to tell me that you cant call your disturbed daughter once in 12 hours... not like she has a job or anything. i normally wouldn't complain... but im moving back in with them for a month then moving into my own house... hopefully this october. and my main support bace is well.... john. and hes gonna be somewhere over the rainbow. so who will i have to talk to on days like this... to make sure my meds are all in order, to tell me to eat, to brush my teeth, to take me to an emmergency psych appt. , to take me to get my meds. spending $50 without any question. i dont know how im going to manage without him. my parents are gonna give up on me again like when i was 12. they just dont understand what i go through in one fuckin day. i'm so scared for the months ahead... years ahead.  john always says mel, you have a job, you need to eat healthy, take your meds, do your mood chart... you know. thats so cute. i really love john. its just time for us to go in seperate directions for a while so we can get things accomplished. i sure do hope that we end up back together angain one day! if i loose him my heart will be broken. he has taught me so much and has allowed me to grow so much in the last year & 1/2 

new meds:
klonopin- .5mg 3x
lexapro- 20mg am  20mg noon
geodon- 40mg am  80mg night
lamictal- 300mg daily

good stuff. i hope it works this time!


I love you wilky!   i <3 u

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i have issues... im scared for my future... who can i trust? [Aug. 16th, 2007|01:39 am]
[Current Location |lost]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |bittersweet- fuel]

Seven sins of wantonness and
Everything thats good is gone
Sell it all for glory from the peers
Silicone priestess scratch the back and
Twists the knife to bone
Kick against the pricks and scrape the shins

Swallowed the pill
Drank to the fill
All these things I carry now
In this bittersweet, in this bittersweet now
Try to hold the world there sinking,
Swimming in a paper cup
Try to own the one beneath the skin
Held up to the flame till singeing
Skin begins to draw and tuck
Never told theres a chance to win

What couldnt be, wouldnt be now

Hold your hands up to the sky and try
So hard to rise above
But everything is beating down
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up down all around. "what a roller coaster with out the roller blades"-me [Aug. 15th, 2007|01:03 am]
[Current Location |on my boy toys computer... duh]
[Current Mood |crazycrazy]
[Current Music |the skys your home- the accadent experiment on pandora.com]

i feel so manic and anxious. manic good.... anxious... gurrrrrrrrr! i dont think ill get any sleep tonight. ive had alot to think about. i talked to john tonight... we're not daiting.... were not romantic... we are bestfriends who live together and fuck. whitch is good for a 21 year old but not for a 46 year old. i'm scared. i love him so much. im just talking to myself while im trying to figure it out. i got freaked out a lot last sunday and tonight. i look at my self differently... i look at john differently ; on a different level. i love him!!! with all my heart. i want to be by his side for ever. i just dont feel sexual at the moment. i sure hope it goes away. id hate to change things up because of  stress' in life & bumps in the road. all i know is i love john, i love my house, i love being touched, i love art i love music, i love soft kisses. im just stressen' upset, concerned, sad, worried, manic, anxious, sick & i have a huge lump in my throat.
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itch... sneeze... cow... woof! crazy, who you callin' crazy! [Aug. 14th, 2007|09:49 pm]
[Current Mood |irritatedirritated]
[Current Music |portishead radio on pandora.com]

i feel so much better! ive been eating less, sleeping less, feeling balanced and happy. its only been 4 days of this great emotional state of mind. im not sure if i said this in my last entry but i've lowered my geodon by 120 mgs. and upped my lamictal to 300mgs... and im completely off those stupid pills clonodine and visteril. stupid clonodine i hated that shit. blah but im so happy about my new mixture! i want to stay like this forever! in contrast my anxiety and stress have been up. not all the time but, 1/3 of the time i feel moderately to highly anxious. and i feel stressed out about that, and some personal issues. im able to leave the house more often. i still feel anxiety about getting ready to go anywhere. but im getting better about it. i think its the atavan working. although i dont think my dosage is strong enough. but i see one of my old psychiatrist maria on monday! im happy to be going back to her. i just got off my meds after i stopped seeing her and i started to do alot of cocane. it lasted from may 03 till dec 03. glad i got out of that soon. john have gone through some frustrations for the last few weeks. but the last 4 days have been good.  i hope it lasts. i think its just my state of mind affects him. well, ofcourse. blah! oh i got a job finally at an art store. how great is that! im so excited! this will be good for me. and i'll get all my art supplys on discount! more news. my friend heather hasnt called in days ive talked to her a few times cuz i called her ... oh yeah i also begged her to come visit me in sanford at my friend vince's house. she came... that was cool. yep, shes got a new boyfriend. im excited for her i just hope she doesnt push me aside. shes really been distant since the manson concert last month. she hasnt come to visit at all... to my house. i hope shes doing well and in love! i hope he'll be good to her. yap yap yap. i can just go on and on. some times i listen to different angry songs and think of dave. it bugs me. id just like it to stop. had a dream last night that i was having trouble getting to my psych's office and somehow my mom missed her appt too and in the waiting room there were a bunch of sad patience wrapped in blankets. then my dream went from that to jesse crying and asking for us to be together again. how weird. but im planning on stayin up late tonight maby watch matilda or something. sha la la!

 ive lost my patience now... leave me alone

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(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2007|06:55 pm]
[Current Location |in my lovely home with john and yang]
[Current Mood |crazycrazy]
[Current Music |she wants revenge on pandora radio]

john took the test amd he got this i took it and got the same result: (weird)

Which Imfamous criminal are you?

You are Elizabeth Bathory. (The bloodcountess) Legend tells us that you, this very rich, beautiful and high born woman tortured and murdered some 650 young women and bathed in their warm blood to keep yourself beautiful.In some stories, it is said you have drank thier blood as well. You were a sexual sadist on a grand scale.Ah vanity is your downfall. For shame!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

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(no subject) [Aug. 2nd, 2007|01:08 pm]
[Current Location |home with yang]
[Current Mood |weirdweird]
[Current Music |o green world- gorillaz]

man i had some weird dreams last night. crazy stuff like making marilyn manson new boots out of peanutbutter crackers. i mean wtf?

i havent had anything to eat today. not hungry.

feelin kinda jumpy. probably the coffee i had for breakfast.

always feels like i need to take another pill... why cant i just work through my problems instead of hoping a pill will do all the dirty work for me.

yangs chewin a bone. hes sooo cute. johns at work.

i need something. something. something. to stop my mind.
i was depressed for 3 days.
yesterday was great.
today i'm wired.
like i said probably from the coffee. blah! shouldnt have had the coffee.

i want to smoke a cig.
i havent smoked since staurday. todays thursday. thats 5 days! yay! super mel!
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feelin' good [Jul. 22nd, 2007|04:40 pm]
[Current Location |home with john and my dog!]
[Current Mood |gigglygiggly]
[Current Music |dracula- by the gorillaz]

ive been happy all day! i cant wait to see marilyn manson on friday in tampa! heather and i are going to have sooooooooo much fun! I'm so excited! i'm sittin here listening to pandora radio. i love pandora radio! it only plays the music you like to hear! its awesome! you sould try it out. well i've been trying to call my parents today. they havent answered or called me back. oh well. i was calling because i got a huge bite on my arm. im not sure what from. but it looks better today than it did last night. it was like 1/2 inches of blister like something or other. it didnt ich as much as it burned. and my arm was really weak. not to mention the spider bite i got two weeks ago that still hasn't gone away. man i need some off spray! well not too much to say today. just feelin' good!~
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