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i want to cry. [Oct. 28th, 2012|01:43 pm]
[Current Location |my apartment in sanford florida]
[Current Mood |lonelylonely]
[Current Music |birds cherping outside]

i feel alone.
my boyfriend is avoiding me cuz hes scared of commitment.
my x and i havent spoken in a month.
my friends are busy.
i just dont know what to do with myself.
im struggeling with my chemical imbalance.
im on day 5 of no cutting and today im fiting the urge.
i have a new psychiatrist on the 30th.
i gotta keep it together
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PLEASE READ [Oct. 1st, 2012|05:32 pm]
[Current Location |my apartment in sanford florida]
[Current Mood |mellowmellow]
[Current Music |Swimming Pools (Drank) by:Kendrick Lamar ]

Hello in there!
today i posted this live journal URL...
<that i have had long before myspace facebook twitter>
...on my facebook INFO/ABOUT page.
so if you drop in due to the fact you saw the link
<on facebook> or <on myspace> or if you just happen to come accross this page
please leave a comment where it says "take a dump" below.
I just want to know if any one ever sees this page.
You can be anonimous <cant spell>
or leave your name
or what ever you wish
but please somehow let me know youve seen this page
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talking to walls about my meds. [Sep. 1st, 2012|08:01 pm]
[Current Mood |sicksick]
[Current Music |scilence screaming within my inner ear]

im sick of my meds. i want to change them. the psych meds that is.

1st off: i hate my seriquill. my seriquill and haladol is wacked together. i want my haladol back to 3 times a day 15mg to 3Omg a day & no more seriquill. thats all for my anti psychotic drugs.

i take klonipin 4 pills a day. id rather be on 2mg zanax 2x daily. thats all for my anti anxiety drugs.

my lithium seems weak. moodswings? cant even begin....grrrr yay waaa cut f##k waaa grrr yay waaa cut f##k over and over and over.

this aderall has got to stop. upers downerers upers downers.....will it ever end?

I think i do this. i can function better
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wow its been a while [Apr. 9th, 2012|01:59 am]
[Current Mood |lonelylonely]
[Current Music |drunk kid catholic- bright eyes]

im at johns shitty ass hotel room. i give up. ive lost control. mom and i barely talk. john is in love with some woman. jesse never calls nor vince nor anyone. i hate me. no one cares why am i writing this? maybe because i have 18 cuts on my right arm. but who cares? no one.
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(no subject) [Dec. 20th, 2008|03:29 pm]
[Current Location |at wilkys]
[Current Mood |lazylazy]
[Current Music |scilence]

well ive been through a hell of a lot. ive been carless for 2 weeks now thank the good god damnd wilky picked me up on tuesday and took me to a christmas party. wilky fell out of the truck and scraped his face up bad. x-mas is comming up and i get more and more anxious mostly because i dont have the car to get me places. i love john sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much im still living in altamonte and my friend matts movin to altamonte too maybe we will become close friends.
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just a thought [Aug. 20th, 2008|02:24 am]
[Current Location |at wilkys]
[Current Mood |sicksick]
[Current Music |The Twilight Singers]

i wonder if things are gonna work out for me. 
Ive been struggeling not to self medicate. 
i'm emotionly undone... i try to resist my thoughts.
but actions speak louder than words

so instead of trying to do something about it,
i smoke another toke
and let my precious time fly right on by

i sit in my bed all day long wishing i was with the ones i love
but when im with the ones i love i dont show them my love
im sick of this place, im sick of my bipolar brain

so i hang out with jo

and i hang out with john
and im in love with john
he tells me i need them

but, im sick of these blue and white... pink pills.

LinkLeave a comment

quiz [May. 17th, 2008|02:56 pm]
[Current Location |home with meg and meg]
[Current Mood |chipperchipper]
[Current Music |marilyn manson- beautiful people]

 mel or Kat
 Salt lake city, Utah! he he he!
Current Location:
Eye Color:
Hair Color:
 black @ the moment
Lefty or Righty:
Zodiac Sign:
 libra/scorpio i was born in the cusp... explains alot
What Do You Drive:
 old honda accord
 111 or 1111
 ic f@%^&'n p!
Music Genre:
 Everything no 80's besides depeche mode
 no country only americana
 no opera 
 no slow boring crap
TV Show:
 south park
 girl interrupted
 mary kate olson and decoda fanning
Kind of Movie:
 rocky & bullwinkle!
Fast Food Restaurant:
 shouldnt eat it but i do, no fav.

Ice Cream:
 cookies and cream
 hunny bunches of oats peaches
 dark chocolate
 iced latte
Alcoholic Beverage:
 dont drink
 "id like to hold a cat... but im to allergic"
     -johnen vasques (JHM)
{---Do You---}
Have any siblings:
 4 ones not related to me..
Have any pets:
 1 yang my dog

Have a job:
 ummmm... i do but never work
Have a cellphone:
Have any special talents or skills:
 sing and dance being nuts!
Have any fears:
 going insane, & abandonment
Have a bedtime:
Sing in the shower:
Want to go to college:
Get along with your parents:
Have any piercings:
Have any tattoos:
 YES sometimes

 dr. pepper!!! no alcohol!
Do Drugs:
 perscriptions only
{---Love & All That Crap---}
Ever been in love:
Ever cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend:
Are you single: 

Are you in a relationship:
Do you have a crush on someone:
 meg! (im devilish!!!)

oops i mean..

drag king johnny!

Ever been dumped:
Ever dumped someone:
{---This or That---}
Fruit or Vegetable:
Black or White:
Lights On or Lights Off:
 OFF with a night light
TV or Movie:
Car or Truck:
Cash or Check:
Rock or Rap:
 both... but, rock
Chocolate or Vanilla:
 CHOCOLATE!!! mmm. yummy!
French Toast or French Fries:
Strawberries or Blueberries:
Cookies or Muffins:
Winter Break or Spring Break:
 spring break!
Hugs or Kisses:
{---Have You Ever---}
Danced in a public place:
Smiled for no reason:
Laughed so hard you cried:
Talked to someone you don't know:
Drank alcohol:
Done drugs:
Partied 'til the sun came up:
 YES many a' time
Gotten a ticket:
Been arrested:
 when i was 12
Been convicted of a crime:
 age 12 @nd degree felony
Been in a wreck:
Been out of the country:
 does canada count?
{---Random & Silly Junk---}
Are you a virgin:
 hel f$%^'in no
Ever TP'd someone's house:
Ever egged someone's house:
How many languages do you speak:
Who do you compare yourself to:
 i dont know
Ever regret anything:
 YES, many
Do you like being tickled:
 im not tickelish
What are your goals:
 To continue volinteering at give kids the world
Are your fingers tired:
 NO ready to play!
Are you tired of this survey:
Are you happy:
 i guess... define happiness...

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moms results [May. 10th, 2008|11:03 pm]

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.

1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (86%)
3. Seventh Day Adventist (85%)
4. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (83%)
5. Liberal Quakers (71%)
6. Unitarian Universalism (63%)
7. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (58%)
8. Eastern Orthodox (58%)
9. Roman Catholic (58%)
10. Bahá'í Faith (52%)
11. Secular Humanism (52%)
12. Sikhism (52%)
13. Jainism (50%)
14. Mahayana Buddhism (50%)
15. Neo-Pagan (50%)
16. Theravada Buddhism (50%)
17. Taoism (49%)
18. Nontheist (48%)
19. New Age (47%)
20. Orthodox Judaism (45%)
21. Reform Judaism (43%)
22. Islam (40%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (40%)
24. Hinduism (35%)
25. New Thought (30%)
26. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (28%)
27. Scientology (20%)
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easy does it easy does it think of something to say no to [May. 3rd, 2008|03:46 pm]
[Current Location |alone with everyone around]
[Current Mood |scaredscared]
[Current Music |pandora radio]

 as the ground beneath me moves. and the light growes from bright to dim. i cant help but feel the sadness steal the breath from my lungs. my heart hurts so badly. i feel as if no one understands or even cares to try and understand. im sick of living with one drunk. now i live with two. i can believe what ive gotten myself into. i feel so empty. i feel upsidown. my eyes want to shut forever. i want to lay at rest and finally wipe my bloodshot eyes. i have no one to talk to. no one to call. no one to lean on. my heart hurts. my brain feels swolen. if this continuse i feel i will turn bitter.... or..... 
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my dads 59th b-day and my 1 week off of codine [May. 1st, 2008|06:49 pm]
[Current Location |the house of broken glass]
[Current Mood |gloomygloomy]
[Current Music |overdue by bitter:sweet on pandora radio]

ive been going through a really hard time. i was on trap drugs. the ones that let you in and never out again. it sucked me in and i lost all control of all functions mentally and physically. ive put my self in very risky and extremely dangerious situations. i am so ashamed. i cant beleive what i allowed myself to become. what i allowed my self to do. i am so angry... jealous... bitter... i am going through a very difficult time. i really have been reaching out for help. ive gone mentally insane... or more like incapable.... or distructive. im lacking in the bare minamals in life. i dont know what to do. or who to reach out to. im starting to fix the distruction between john and i. i pushed him so far away its been a strugle to regain the bit of confadince that i have. i invited a new roomate to move in with john and i. her name is megan. she is a very sweet girl. i brought her in happily. she had no idea that a week laster id be going through a rigerous detox. ive taken a lot of my problems out on her. sorrys usually are not worth much to any one any more. i like meg. shes great. its also nice having another girl in the house. i just feel like it detracts from the attention im used to getting from john so i pushed him far far away. im so lost and confused. i feel sad and i dont really know what to really do. thoughts and voices go through my head along with alot of negativity making slicing my ancles seem very appealing. and its hard to say no to my self. i cant stand these things that make me me. its my dads birthday... im far far away. sick. lonely..... im known to pile on the negativity. i just want to go back to bed 4 ever. im gonna call my mom. but why. ive gone insane. i cant think.... i cant rely on myself anymore.

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hmmmmmmmm..... [Jan. 18th, 2008|03:26 pm]
[Current Location |home]
[Current Mood |lethargiclethargic]
[Current Music |pandora.com]

 well finally starting to feel better. ive been sick for over a month and a half. i had gastrintinitus (spelt wrong) then i had a horable throat infection. so any way doctors hospitals walk in clinics pharmacy... u name it.... catscans, ultrasounds.. i.v.'s over... im over being sick im gonna fight for my servival. im finally keeping food down. so thats good. they gave me a shot in the ass. 48 hours later feelin pretty good besides the fact that my dr. took me off of my geodon. so now im anxious, irratable, scared. 

i talked to josh 2 days ago havent heard from him in a long long time. he seems to be doing fine. although all i did while on the phone with him is complain about how i feel as though im dying and wasting away. so any way he keeped the conversation short, and let me go. havent heard from him since. seems to me like i push everyone away. ok so i do. i need to fix that. 

my car is in the shop once again hopefully nothing major. i was leaking oil, althouth i just put a new engine in it. i hate how expensive every thing is getting. and me with my $56 in food stamps and $600 in disability i dont know how id survive if we were to run into a resession witch is very likely. and we just gave 36billion or something to the iraq government. what about us americans? what the fuck i hate politics it just depresses the shit out of me. especially because i lost my job at converse. damn fuck shit!!!!!

im missing my friends. i feel rather lonely a lot of the times. heather called witch cheered me up for a few minutes. no one ever calls me besides my dad and john.

i hung up on my uncle the other day. he wanted pictures of my pearcings. (hood, tits...... what ever else) then he started talking politics. hes morman; dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb! i hate that he never calles. but thats good because i could give a shit less. he is a pervert. 

john should be home around 5/5:30
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fat and ugly [Dec. 7th, 2007|04:40 pm]
[Current Mood |sicksick]
[Current Music |daniel johnston- living life on pandora radio]

 i feel fat. how did i get this way. last night i watched all the episodes on hbo called THIN. made me feel really shitty about how ive let my self go since ive been with john. NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO  MMOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE. i feel fat and ugly. no more no more im gonna do something about this. i cant live this way.
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so there!!! [Nov. 18th, 2007|08:45 pm]
[Current Mood |ecstaticecstatic]
[Current Music |home with yang]

 well i lost my job at the liquor store . . . i was sad . . . not 30 minutes later, an other job wanted to hire me! yay so i start on wednesday
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no friends [Nov. 16th, 2007|03:39 pm]
[Current Mood |lonelylonely]
[Current Music |fake by koRn]

 today i missed my counceling appointment. i got up, got ready, sat in my chair and fell right to sleep. this really sucks. i hope i dont have to pay out of pocket for a missed appointment. johns at work and yang is playing with his decrepit dragon and im lonely. i wish i had a few friends that live close by. am i so weird that people dont want to hang out with me. i just dont get it. maybe i dont try hard enough to make friends.
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oops [Nov. 9th, 2007|05:49 pm]
[Current Location |at work]
[Current Mood |crappycrappy]

 work feelin dizzy

boss wants to send me home.

she said im fucked up.

i hope i dont get fired

i love my job. 

i was thinkin maybe if i do get fired,

ill go get my knee replacement

stay at moms for a few days

mel sad & not fellin good
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